Emulating Classic Short Stories- Girl by Jamaica Kincaid

Girl by Jamaica Kincaid
Wash the white clothes on Monday and put them on the stone heap; wash the color clothes on Tuesday and put them on the clothesline to dry; don't walk barehead in the hot sun; cook pumpkin fritters in very hot sweet oil; soak your little cloths right after you take them off; when buying cotton to make yourself a nice blouse, be sure that it doesn't have gum on it, because that way it won't hold up well after a wash; soak salt fish overnight before you cook it; is it true that you sing benna in Sunday school?; always eat your food in such a way that it won't turn someone else's stomach; on Sundays try to walk like a lady and not like the slut you are so bent on becoming; don't sing benna in Sunday school; you mustn't speak to wharf–rat boys, not even to give directions; don't eat fruits on the street—flies will follow you; but I don't sing benna on Sundays at all and never in Sunday school; this is how to sew on a button; this is how to make a button–hole for the button you have just sewed on; this is how to hem a dress when you see the hem coming down and so to prevent yourself from looking like the slut I know you are so bent on becoming; this is how you iron your father's khaki shirt so that it doesn't have a crease; this is how you iron your father's khaki pants so that they don't have a crease; this is how you grow okra—far from the house, because okra tree harbors red ants; when you are growing dasheen, make sure it gets plenty of water or else it makes your throat itch when you are eating it; this is how you sweep a corner; this is how you sweep a whole house; this is how you sweep a yard; this is how you smile to someone you don't like too much; this is how you smile to someone you don't like at all; this is how you smile to someone you like completely; this is how you set a table for tea; this is how you set a table for dinner; this is how you set a table for dinner with an important guest; this is how you set a table for lunch; this is how you set a table for breakfast; this is how to behave in the presence of men who don't know you very well, and this way they won't recognize immediately the slut I have warned you against becoming; be sure to wash every day, even if it is with your own spit; don't squat down to play marbles—you are not a boy, you know; don't pick people's flowers—you might catch something; don't throw stones at blackbirds, because it might not be a blackbird at all; this is how to make a bread pudding; this is how to make doukona; this is how to make pepper pot; this is how to make a good medicine for a cold; this is how to make a good medicine to throw away a child before it even becomes a child; this is how to catch a fish; this is how to throw back a fish you don't like, and that way something bad won't fall on you; this is how to bully a man; this is how a man bullies you; this is how to love a man; and if this doesn't work there are other ways, and if they don't work don't feel too bad about giving up; this is how to spit up in the air if you feel like it, and this is how to move quick so that it doesn't fall on you; this is how to make ends meet; always squeeze bread to make sure it's fresh; but what if the baker won't let me feel the bread?; you mean to say that after all you are really going to be the kind of woman who the baker won't let near the bread?

Boy by Keto Sackie
Brush your teeth every morning so as not to drive away your friends; bathe every morning so as not to carry a strong odour because no girl likes a stinky man; do not play with girls because they are very manipulative; always thank your mother for the food; this is how you change the oil; this is how you change the oil properly so the car does not give out; this is how you set the microwave; this is how you change a car tire; this is how you pitch a tent; this is how you fire a gun; this is how to fire a gun accurately to kill that noisy Mockingbird; this is how you iron your dress pants; this is how to behave in front of men; this is how to behave in front of women; this is how to get a girl; this is how to dump a girl; this is how to fake remembering your girlfriend’s birthday; this is how to actually remember you girlfriend’s birthday; but I don’t have a girlfriend; this is how to dump a girl without hurting her feelings; this is how to survive a shopping trip with your girlfriend; this is how to fix a leaking pipe; this is how to tie a tie; this is how to tie a bowtie; this is how to listen to your girlfriend while watching the football game; this is how to look at hot women without being caught by your girlfriend; this is how to dress well when you need to and slob it up when you don’t; this is how to win at least one hand of poker against your friends; this is how to thrash a few geeks on Call of Duty 4 on Xbox Live; this is how to beat (at least) one of your friends at arm wrestling; this is how to throw a mean left/right hook; this is how to take a mean left/right hook; this is how to survive a bear attack; this is how to hold your own in a boxing ring; this is how to save a child from being hit by a speeding car; this is how to never forget valentine’s day; this is how to shave like a man; this is how to chop logs with an axe for firewood; this is how to fasten your zipper when no one’s looking; this is how to bet (and win) on a horse/dog race; this is how to crush beer cans with your bare hands; this is how to be “The Man”; this is how to act like you’re not a gay little bitch; this is how to be a “manly man”; but what if I don’t want to be a “manly man”?; you mean to tell me that after all I’ve taught you you’re still going to be a sissy little bitch?

Josh Sixpack- A Tragic High School Narrative

There stands Josh Sixpack. He requested his parents change his last name to Sixpack probably because he had a sixpack since he was two years old. He stands seven feet tall over the rest of the world looking upon his schoolmates as simply peasants living in his royal Sixpack Kingdom. Josh is no doubt the desire of all the female students attending Westdale (or so he thinks) and is the master of all things athletic, joining over five teams. Josh walks in a pompous manner probably due to his accomplishments as the captain of the football team, leading them to OFSAA thrice. Miraculously, his oversized muscles seem to glisten in the sunlight. Josh is the King of his habitat and the Alpha male to all other male competitors. If we were in the animal kingdom, Josh would probably get all the female species of that Kingdom. His groupies seem to follow him without question and listen to every command uttered from his lips. These groupies, as compared to the animal kingdom, are like the inferior males who have joined the Alpha male knowing they will never surpass him. The female groupie are like female animals of a species who are attracted to the Alpha male because his presence with them increases their status in the kingdom and assures their acceptance by everyone in the kingdom.

In the jungle which is High School, Mr. Sixpack rules with an iron fist, recruiting new groupies to join his Sixpack clan and utterly humiliating anyone opposing his Sixpack rule. In the cafeteria, Sixpack’s table is positioned in a “special’ corner where only Sixpack groupies are allowed to sit. I wonder what would happen if anyone other than a Sixpack groupie dared to sit at that table. It sends shivers down my spine. While sitting from afar and watching King Sixpack in his natural habitat, I realize something rather astonishing. I wondered what would happen to Sixpack if his groupies left his side and how he would ever graduate from High School with so many ‘extra-curricular activities’ (temporary distractions) present in his life. At that moment I began to understand the pathetic life of Josh Sixpack.

I could even plan out his entire future from where I was sitting. In my mind, it goes something like this: he will probably fail to graduate High School because of his Extra-curricular activities with his groupie girlfriends who would soon chase the next heir to the Sixpack throne. He would then decide to play sports, probably in the NHL because he’s so pompous that he does not realize that professional football is at a whole new level than Canadian High School football. He would probably not even make it to his first game and would get injured severely during tryouts at training camp due to his rookie mistakes and would end up breaking his legs. This would put him helplessly in a wheelchair, thereby losing his football career. Soon after, he would seep to alcoholism as he cannot accept his overall failure in life. He would soon become envious of the other members of his Sixpack kingdom who are now paramedics, teachers, police officers, etc. He would then realize that they were busy looking after themselves and securing their future while he thought they were simply his goons. He would likely not be able to accept his newfound position in the scheme of things and would consider ending his life to cease this nightmare which should never befall someone of his social status. A poor girl who he tortured in High School due to her refusal to join his ranks would probably come to his rescue in pity of what he’s become. Anon, having no other option, he would marry the girl whom he tortured for so many years and would have little Sixpack children living on the corner of Barton Street East and James Street North.

Funny how the life of the once prosperous Sixpack, captain of the football team, leader of a pack, would result in the most tragic story one’s ever heard. Now, when Sixpack passes me in the hall with the most pretentiously arrogant smile on his face, I think of just how easily he could lose that self-important smile and it reassures me that things do change after High School. There’s a whole new world that doesn’t care whether you are a Sixpack or a Sixpack groupie or an outsider. A world that treats everyone equally no matter their High School status. I don’t think Josh Sixpack will be able to survive in such a world.

Condom Ad. Campaign

So my Writer's Craft teacher (she who shall not be named) gave us a little writing prompt to do today involving making ads for different products hoping to lure viewers of a specific age group into buying the product.  Here are a few me and Trent - also known as- the most hilarious guy I've ever met came up with for advertising condoms for people between the ages of 18-35.

Carpe diem Condoms:

- Safe is the new sexy- moments of pleasure not 9 months of torture

- Safe is the new sexy- make one-night stands stay that way

- Safe is the new sexy- live your life before you make another one

- Safe is the new sexy- accessorize your naked glory

- Safe is the new sexy- every gun has a holster

- Safe is the new sexy- do it right for you and her
- Children in the dark make mistakes, but mistakes in the dark make children