There stands Josh Sixpack. He requested his parents change his last name to Sixpack probably because he had a sixpack since he was two years old. He stands seven feet tall over the rest of the world looking upon his schoolmates as simply peasants living in his royal Sixpack Kingdom. Josh is no doubt the desire of all the female students attending Westdale (or so he thinks) and is the master of all things athletic, joining over five teams. Josh walks in a pompous manner probably due to his accomplishments as the captain of the football team, leading them to OFSAA thrice. Miraculously, his oversized muscles seem to glisten in the sunlight. Josh is the King of his habitat and the Alpha male to all other male competitors. If we were in the animal kingdom, Josh would probably get all the female species of that Kingdom. His groupies seem to follow him without question and listen to every command uttered from his lips. These groupies, as compared to the animal kingdom, are like the inferior males who have joined the Alpha male knowing they will never surpass him. The female groupie are like female animals of a species who are attracted to the Alpha male because his presence with them increases their status in the kingdom and assures their acceptance by everyone in the kingdom.
In the jungle which is High School, Mr. Sixpack rules with an iron fist, recruiting new groupies to join his Sixpack clan and utterly humiliating anyone opposing his Sixpack rule. In the cafeteria, Sixpack’s table is positioned in a “special’ corner where only Sixpack groupies are allowed to sit. I wonder what would happen if anyone other than a Sixpack groupie dared to sit at that table. It sends shivers down my spine. While sitting from afar and watching King Sixpack in his natural habitat, I realize something rather astonishing. I wondered what would happen to Sixpack if his groupies left his side and how he would ever graduate from High School with so many ‘extra-curricular activities’ (temporary distractions) present in his life. At that moment I began to understand the pathetic life of Josh Sixpack.
I could even plan out his entire future from where I was sitting. In my mind, it goes something like this: he will probably fail to graduate High School because of his Extra-curricular activities with his groupie girlfriends who would soon chase the next heir to the Sixpack throne. He would then decide to play sports, probably in the NHL because he’s so pompous that he does not realize that professional football is at a whole new level than Canadian High School football. He would probably not even make it to his first game and would get injured severely during tryouts at training camp due to his rookie mistakes and would end up breaking his legs. This would put him helplessly in a wheelchair, thereby losing his football career. Soon after, he would seep to alcoholism as he cannot accept his overall failure in life. He would soon become envious of the other members of his Sixpack kingdom who are now paramedics, teachers, police officers, etc. He would then realize that they were busy looking after themselves and securing their future while he thought they were simply his goons. He would likely not be able to accept his newfound position in the scheme of things and would consider ending his life to cease this nightmare which should never befall someone of his social status. A poor girl who he tortured in High School due to her refusal to join his ranks would probably come to his rescue in pity of what he’s become. Anon, having no other option, he would marry the girl whom he tortured for so many years and would have little Sixpack children living on the corner of Barton Street East and James Street North.
Funny how the life of the once prosperous Sixpack, captain of the football team, leader of a pack, would result in the most tragic story one’s ever heard. Now, when Sixpack passes me in the hall with the most pretentiously arrogant smile on his face, I think of just how easily he could lose that self-important smile and it reassures me that things do change after High School. There’s a whole new world that doesn’t care whether you are a Sixpack or a Sixpack groupie or an outsider. A world that treats everyone equally no matter their High School status. I don’t think Josh Sixpack will be able to survive in such a world.
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